I don’t know what happened this time, but I was angry. Anger is an emotion that is new to me. That week prior to the hospitalization, all I can remember is that there was anger, everything else is a faded memory, just a story my mother tells me, and each time it brings a tear to my eye.
Mania can go one of two ways they say, I’ve felt a freedom that I’ve yet to be able to explain to anyone else, a confidence that makes me feel like I’m on top of the world, a beauty that I cannot describe and a love that you only see in movies.
That’s what I miss.
But then there’s the anger and it’s scary.
And there’s the depression, and that’s scary too.
4 weeks later and I’m lost. I fell behind in school. I have no energy for school. I want the comfort of my bed. Zyprexa makes me tired. I can sleep up to 16 hours with 5mg. If I double the dose, my vision feels strange and I feel like I’m floating.
I don’t know. I just feel lost.
I feel alone.