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JAMIEEE

JAMIEEE

What's your story?

My story is a long one. It started when I was a child.  I was diagnosed with selective mutism at the age of 5. It’s like a social phobia which limited my ability to talk to anyone.  Throughout high school, i suffered from blood-injury phobia which triggered a lot of anxiety and panic attacks to the point where I was fainting constantly.  I avoided a lot of environments and situations that could potentially trigger an attack. I just couldn’t breathe.  I was diagnosed with major depression as well.  Throughout my life I was capable of handling my depression on my own.  I wanted to die since I was about 14, but I never acted on it.  I went through my highs and lows without the need for medication.  By the age of approx. 22, I realized I couldn’t do this on my own anymore and for the first time in my life I agreed to take medication.  Then came my first suicide attempt.  I was locked up in a psych ward for 9 days, when I came out it took about a year to get me back on my feet again.  Throughout that year, I was in and out of the hospital emergency room.  At the beginning of 2012 I rose up again, up up to the top.  I was perfect. I thought I was cured. The world was beautiful and I was in love with it and I fell in love with about 6 different people in that same year.  From there, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which made the most sense. In December I started to drop again for reasons which i’m still unaware of, then last month came my most serious suicide attempt.  I overdosed on a handful of pills and landed in the psych ward for two weeks.  I’ve been out for two weeks now and still struggling to get myself together. I attend school fulltime. I’m a psychology major, pretty much a straight A student.   As you can see, my life pretty much revolves around it.  It fascinates me.  I want to learn and grow from my experiences and give others hope, but i’m still learning to cope.  I want to get better before I can help others.  That’s my goal in life. I’m still finding my way and i’m growing everyday.  

Mar 9

And so I lift my chin as the show goes on. The sky is listening, the stars all sing along.

- Rise Against “Heaven Knows”

Mar 8

Carry On

  • Friend: Not to bring this up, but it's Crazy how, what? 3 weeks ago you tried to kill yourself and today you're dancing to Common Rider like nothing ever happened
Mar 7

I’m going to iron out all of life’s disappointing wrinkles.
Cover them with plastic so when it pours we won’t feel the sprinkles. And of course i want to grow, but brother this is all i know.
I want to live for a living. I want to live for a living…

- Listener

Mar 3

I am trying to forgive myself for being exactly what I am; occasionally brilliant, frequently imperfect, mostly kind, and burdened/blessed with something in my blood that can send me divine inspiration in September along with suicidal plans in November

- Icarus Project

I loved the world and I loved my life.  This world could do me no wrong.  Everything was beautiful to me.  I’d get up almost everyday and hop on my bike.  As fast as I could, I would speed pass everything and everyone never understanding why they were moving so slow.  Sometimes i’d simply be doing laps around the lake in Flushing park to release all that energy.  I was convinced and i’m still convinced that a bicycle saved my life back then… Our relationship was strong.  It was beautiful.  My heart belonged to an object. 
My First Tattoo

I loved the world and I loved my life.  This world could do me no wrong.  Everything was beautiful to me.  I’d get up almost everyday and hop on my bike.  As fast as I could, I would speed pass everything and everyone never understanding why they were moving so slow.  Sometimes i’d simply be doing laps around the lake in Flushing park to release all that energy.  I was convinced and i’m still convinced that a bicycle saved my life back then… Our relationship was strong.  It was beautiful.  My heart belonged to an object. 

My First Tattoo

Mar 2

Feb. 20, 2013

3:50pm

What am I doing here? I’m on like day five? Day six maybe?  I have a roommate who does nothing but lay in bed all day talking to herself.  I overdosed.  14 Lamictals, about 5 or 6 zolofts and 1 effexor.  The outcome? Nothing… A failed attempt to shut down my brain, my thoughts, my actions.  I’m here in this hell alone.  No one calls, no one listens, no one wants to talk.  Nothing Nothing Nothing.  Nothing but TV all day and peanut butter and jellies along with enough disgusting dry food to make your stomach turn.  What. The. Fuck. It’s cold as fuck. 

Hospital art 3

Hospital art 3

Part 2

Part 2

Incomplete hospital art

Incomplete hospital art

The medical jargon don’t mean much of anything

     Something has always been wrong with me since I was a kid.  I remember sitting on the floor next to my bed, stabbing holes into the wooden bed frame, just going over and over in my head, thinking about how badly I just wanted to die.  That was in Jr. High, before I knew anything about the world.  At the age of 5, I started going to therapy.  I was diagnosed with Selective Mutism, I just wouldn’t talk to anyone about anything.  That lasted well into my teenage years.  High School however, was probably the worst experience of all.  I dealt with what I now know is called “Blood-Injury Phobia”, an irrational fear which became generalized into everything that was part of the world around me… Panic attacks, high anxiety.  Four years straight of not being able to breathe.

     I remember my first really good year (approx.. a year) of what is now referred to by doctors as my first hypomanic episode.  High energy all around.  A kind of euphoric state.  I always wanted to be at a punk show, in the pit.  It felt amazing and I could get punched in the face, knocked down and bloody, I almost lost my tooth at a Rancid show… But I just didn’t care.  I needed that release.  I even went ahead and shaved the sides of my hair into a mohawk, convinced that “this was what the world expected of me”.   I aced through all my classes then too.  Graduated with honors and a 4.0 GPA from the Institute of Audio Research.  I loved the world and I loved my life.  This world could do me no wrong.  Everything was beautiful to me.  I’d get up almost everyday and hop on my bike.  As fast as I could, I would speed pass everything and everyone never understanding why they were moving so slow.  Sometimes i’d simply be doing laps around the lake in Flushing park to release all that energy.  I was convinced and i’m still convinced that a bicycle saved my life back then… Our relationship was strong.  It was beautiful.  My heart belonged to an object. 

     But of course, as the saying goes, everything that goes up, must come down… and down I went, falling fast and landing hard.  As I was busy falling in love with multiple people, I started to crash… My mood dropped and I was hopeless again.