I thought I got lucky.
I hear all these horror stories about the mental health system. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have my share of horror stories too, but after years of looking for a good therapist, two years ago, I finally got lucky.
He did my intake and we hit it off right away. With a long history of social anxiety, I met a therapist that I was able to talk to like if he was an old friend. Two weeks after the intake, he called me up and told me he was going to be working with me and I was excited. This man got me to open up to someone for the first time. He responded to multiple late night texts when I felt like I was losing my mind… He calmed me down. When I overdosed, he came to visit me in the hospital. He treated me like I was normal and opened my eyes up to so many things… So many things that i’ve never been able to speak about to anyone else. He told me I wasn’t crazy, that I was a product of my environment and he reminded me of it until I believed it myself and he turned my life around. He didn’t want me on meds and we had a plan that I would come off them. We had so many plans. So many goals that have yet to be accomplished.
He believed in me and supported me and let me know that I wasn’t alone in this, and I felt it. It was real. During the worst times, I didn’t feel alone because I knew that he would be there and he would listen and he wouldn’t judge.
Two weeks ago I get the news that he passed away and they can’t even tell me how it happened. My heart is broken and I want to tell him, because he would be the first person I would go to when I felt this kind of pain, but this time I can’t. He’s not there anymore and no one seems to get it and I have no one that I feel comfortable enough to talk to about this. So I came here to let it out.
People are acting like if I could just replace him. My new therapist acts like he knows me. Like if opening up about everything to him will be that easy. I’m mad at this new guy for even trying and I can’t even understand why.
I just know that this hurts like hell and sometimes I think about all the goals we were going to work on together and I wonder how the hell am I going to do this without him there to help… and who the hell is going to be there to give me hope during those times where all my hope runs out?…
But I know he’s out there, somewhere, in heaven, in the clouds, in space. I don’t know where but he’s out there and he believed in me and he made me believe in myself.
And that’s all I have left now.
That’s what i’ll keep close to my heart.
Now it’s just a memory and I wish I could thank him
But all I can do now is cry.